Occasionally, I’ll realize that I am doing well - which for me usually means that I have not had a bout with depression in X number of weeks, have been able to navigate my daily life without falling victim to crippling anxiety, and have not made any major mistakes for which I could self-flagellate (or by the grace of God, do not “kick the living shit out of me” for the mistakes my mind deems worthy of self-imposed penance). It is usually at this point of triumphant recognition that I get wobbly legs and weak knees and falter; and, in so doing, promptly plummet into depression, anxiety, and self flagellation. I then typically delve into utter seclusion from reality and from God herself, hiding away until the feel-bads are manageable enough to trust that Almighty God will and does have mercy on me and forgive me.
Today is that day. Today is the day that I start to feel okay enough and less like a pile of shit, and it took less time than ever. I am learning by the grace of God that the sooner I learn to stop hiding my brokenness, the sooner it is healed and soothed and I can enjoy the closeness of a Mother and her rambunctious and accident-prone child.
Sorry, Tumblr. I think there are maybe a dozen of you who follow me and would even give a shit about any of this, and I may lose some followers because I usually do when things get too Jesus-y, but this is big news for me and I’m excited.
No. No there is not.